One man's journey through the sick and twisted world of heroin addiction: Standing Room Only a Fictional Biography by Josh Liccardi Book Tour with Rafflecopter
One man's journey through the sick and twisted world of heroin addiction.
Standing Room Only
by Josh Liccardi
Genre: Fictional Biography
One man's journey through the sick and twisted world of heroin addiction. Listen to his every thought as he tries to reexamine life, or what it has become. See each struggle unfold as things get more and more complicated. Learn how to curve the pain, and ultimately how to simply just give up.
*Please note – due to an Amazon error, the ebook connected to the Amazon paperback is incorrect and NOT by this author!*
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Excerpt 1
It hits
me hard. Then it pulls through me like a freight train that is stuck on its
rails, but set to full throttle at its fastest speed. The pause button has been
pushed. Time is slowed to an almost stop. All the energy in the world enters me
through the invisible lines that are attached to every square inch of my body.
For a second, I have entirely disappeared. Absorbed into everything else that
is....and isn’t. This feeling can only be described as indescribable. Without
experiencing it yourself, there is no possible way that one could ever even
imagine its magnitude and significance. Soon time will begin again and catch up
in a strange and ambiguous way. I can see around things that normally seem so
benign and unimportant. A new way of thinking takes over as I try to grasp all
the differences between what I’ve been told, and what I am currently actually
seeing. Things that normally aren’t this clear are suddenly lit up and almost
transparent. Like the answers were always just sitting there right in front of
me waiting to be found. This is how I want to feel all the time. I can’t
imagine dying without ever having felt this way – I now finally feel as though
there was a point to living. A glimpse into the soul this deep should not be
passed over. Never again will I see things the way that I used to – through a
murky filtered lens. Never again will I feel hopelessly trapped inside of
someone else’s great idea that I simply do not agree with or accept. Never
again will I fear that there is nothing else to be found. Never again will I
search for a way to fill the voids that so profoundly populate my chest. I
know that in the physical sense I am sitting on the floor against Dave’s beat
up brown couch, but I can’t feel it. A numbness has engulfed my body which
pulsates at irregular time intervals as a reminder of its presence. A cyclone
of thoughts swirl through my head like watercolors being brushed lazily onto a
canvas. There is no pain in this place. No worries. No cares. Just the forever
stillness of my physical self that has relaxed to the consistency of putty.
This is the high. This is what we all crave and spend all of our energy
constantly seeking. It has become irreplaceable. It has become everything.
Excerpt 2
My
muscles feel like floppy rubber bands that have lost all of their elasticity
leaving me flailing about on the cold concrete floor. I can’t feel anything on
the outside, but everything inside is unbearable. My organs need to be
replaced. My veins need to be flushed of their tainted blood supply and
replaced with something useful. All of my body parts need to be replaced with
mechanical equivalents that can actually withstand the pain that is traveling
through them. I have become nothing.
The man
down the hall may have been released. He may have been killed. He may have
turned into a fixture in the hallway for all I know. I don’t hear him anymore,
but I can’t tell if that is part of the illusion as well. Nothing seems real,
and I doubt that anything is. My mind keeps telling me that I have been here
since yesterday morning, but it literally feels like months. It feels like I
have been put here deliberately to suffer. I don’t even remember what I did
that got me here; I stare at the underside of the bed and think for an
eternity, still coming up with nothing. Something must be very wrong. I need
help, from whoever will offer it. I need something from somebody, and yet
nobody is there. Nobody is offering anything. This goes on forever.
I feel
another attack from within coming on as the burn travels up my throat and spews
onto the wall near my hands. Wrenching forward from the force I feel the crude
concrete underneath me tear more skin from my exposed areas. I can’t sleep. I
can’t eat. I can’t do anything. I am stuck in a whirlpool of pain that has no
end, beginning, or middle for that matter. It’s a whirlpool of nothing that
continues within another whirlpool of nothing. My head spins and stops, spins
and stops, spins and stops. I let go of the wall for a change and curl into an
even tighter ball. I desperately want to roll over, but I don’t have the energy
to do so. I might be able to work myself up to this movement if enough time
passes, but right now it’s completely out of the question. Here I will stay for
now, a mass of blood, sweat and puke.
Excerpt 3
Each day
is one more step in the right direction. I must keep telling myself this to
actually do it. Lately getting up out of bed is a chore, because I am bored,
and have nothing to really look forward to. I get up and do the same things
every day, and I don’t really have any idea why. I know that there are certain
“normal” tasks which I must perform like everyone else to stay clean and keep
myself on the right track. It just doesn’t make anything easier. In fact, it
makes everything harder. I feel like that rat stuck in the metal wheel running
at lightning speed, but never actually getting anywhere. My life has basically
stopped – but I’m alive.
I spent
the holidays in rehab, which is somewhat ironic because I spent last New Year’s
in rehab as well – so that makes two in a row. I even knew what to expect when
New Year’s rolled around. This time I didn’t win anything in the scavenger
hunt, but that’s because I didn’t bother to participate. It was weird being
there for Christmas though. I imagined my tiny little family all congregating
at my grandparent’s house in the morning. My brother sitting on the couch
drinking a coffee and waiting for gifts to be passed his way. My grandfather
getting the fireplace ready to burn all the wrapping paper that ends up flying
around the room. All the systems in place – I sat in my room in rehab thinking
about heroin. Thinking about the life that I was never going to be able to have
with Nikki. Thinking about how everything surrounding my addiction brings my
life to a complete halt, but at the same time keeps it going. When it comes to
heroin – I just can’t seem to win. It is always going to be a thorn in my side,
whether I am using or not, I just must find a way to live with that knowledge.
I still have the little wooden box
packed away in my backpack – it’s empty now though. It’s one of those things
that I
just can’t seem to get rid of. The
counselors at rehab would be really against me keeping it – but fuck them. I
don’t see how the idea of the wooden box can hurt me any less than having it.
Some of the rules that these people come up with are whacky and have no basis
in reality. I will never understand how we are so quick to develop systems
based on nothing. If only I had the power to tear it all down. Then things
could be rebuilt from the ground up, and possibly with some common sense and
logic behind them this time. All these great ideas, and I work at a gas
station.
What are your top 10 favorite books/authors?
Hunter S. Thompson – Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas
Kurt Vonnegut – Slaughterhouse-Five
Chuck Palahniuk – Fight Club
Todd Grimson – Brand New Cherry Flavor
Sara Gran – Come Closer
Clive Barker – Mister B. Gone
Ayn Rand – Atlas Shrugged
Mary Roach -Stiff
Stephen Hawking. – A Brief History of Time
Bret Easton Ellis – American Psycho
What book do you think everyone should read?
“The Soul of an Octopus” by Sy Montgomery. I found this book to be both informative and
emotional and would recommend it anyone and everyone.
How long have you been writing?
I have been writing since my late years in elementary school
until present time. I do have writings
that have never gone anywhere and that ultimately nobody has seen, but anything
I’ve bothered to write has contributed to the things that I have managed to
publish thus far. I am excited to finish
what I am currently working on, and am looking forward to what else I might be
able to produce in the future.
What kind of research do you do before you begin writing
a book?
So far, I’ve mostly written about topics that I know well
enough without further research. I have
started a few side stories where research was necessary though. In that case I was able to make notes from
various places online but was also fortunate enough to know someone in the
profession I was actually researching. I
found that interviewing them was extremely helpful, far beyond what I could even
find online. Getting as close to the
source is always best.
Do you see writing as a career?
As much as I’d love to – I do not. I feel as though that these days its
extremely hard to be a successful writer and generate enough income for it to
be a viable career choice - without the luck of being picked up by a publishing
company.
Do you read yourself and if so what is your favorite
genre?
I don’t have a favorite, however I definitely gravitate
towards certain types/styles. I tend to
read things that I find interesting in either a non-fictional way, or in a
disturbing type of way. Stories that
contain an element of horror, or danger have always been appealing, and
anything that is surrounded in uniqueness.
Do you prefer to write in silence or with noise? Why?
I can write in most any atmosphere, but what I prefer is to
be wearing headphones while listening to ambient music. I find that this helps me to focus on the
thoughts I am having at the time while not being distracted by music which
includes lyrics. The ambient music is
also something that I find to be calming.
Do you write one book at a time or do you have several
going at a time?
Usually, I focus on one book at a time, however I have
definitely bounced around a little bit over the years and completed other
smaller projects while in the midst of writing a book. I haven’t embarked on writing multiple novels
at once, but I can never say what might occur in the future.
Pen or type writer or computer?
I normally end up writing on a computer. I work in IT and have access to quite a bit
of technology, but I also view writing on a computer as a convenience since the
finished product would need to be in digital form regardless. The act of writing with pen and paper however
is also appealing to me on many levels as well.
What made you want to become an author and do you feel it
was the right decision?
I’ve always been compelled to write. It makes me feel good to get my thoughts down
on paper, or virtually. I can’t really
explain why, but that’s simply how I’ve always felt. Sometimes new stories play out in my head,
and I make note of my thoughts in case it is will ever turn into subject matter
for a future project. Most of my ideas
simply come from my own inner responses to things in daily life, and the belief
that others might find reading them enjoyable.
Advice they would give new authors?
Don’t hold back. When
you find the story you’d like to tell, latch on to it and pour your heart out
into each forthcoming paragraph. I find
that some of the best writing comes from the visceral emotions we have while
describing a situation and transforming those emotions into words in the rawest
form possible.
Describe your writing style.
I’m not sure how well I can describe my own writing style,
but in my head its easy and low pressure to the reader. Informative, yet mysterious enough to coax
them forward wanting to know what is going to happen next. I like to write on the same level as the
reader and provide a comfortable familiarity in the narrative itself.
What makes a good story?
A good story is filled with detail and pulls the reader
through each page with as much immersion as possible. A picture of every scene should be played out
in their mind. With the right
combination and flow I believe this is how you achieve writing a book that
“can’t be put down”.
What is your writing process? For instance do you do an
outline first? Do you do the chapters first?
Usually, my process begins with a thought that I just can’t
let slip away. I will begin writing and
see where it goes from there. If it
starts to formulate into something bigger I will brainstorm a bit and make a
crude outline of points that I’d like to cover.
This provokes my thoughts further and gives me a better picture as to
how much this topic might develop, and to what degree.
Do you try more to be original or to deliver to readers
what they want?
I keep the reader in mind while writing, however at the same
time I don’t want my thoughts or style to be skewed or fabricated for a
superficial reason. For example, I
would rather not write a “pop song” just to appease the public and make a
hit. My goal is to produce something
that people will enjoy, while staying authentic to the artform itself.
If you could tell your younger writing self anything,
what would it be?
Write more. Life is
short and time speeds by at an unfathomable pace. Stop letting “life” get in the way of hopes
and dreams – spend more time experiencing every possible thing that you can.
What’s the most difficult thing about writing characters
from the opposite sex?
I don’t have an issue writing characters from the opposite
sex. I feel as though life has given me
enough experience and knowledge to pull from when doing so. I find it relatively easy to imagine myself
as someone else and to form thoughts that they would have rather than my own.
How long on average does it take you to write a book?
So far that has depended on many factors. The book that I am currently working on has
taken about 4 months and I am a little over halfway through. That is mostly due to not having ample time
to write, however I do find time in my own unique ways. As most people I tend to have a lot going on
between my professional life and personal life at home. Things are different for me now than when I
was younger, so it takes a little longer to finish a book.
Do you believe in writer’s block?
Yes and no. I believe
that it is wildly different for everyone, of course, and occurs at various
degrees. For myself I have found that
any sort of “block” was due to emotional trauma getting in the way of
progression. The key is identifying the
cause and then finding the strength to push through it. I have done this a few times with my own work
and have been successful at moving forward.
I’m sure while some writers would agree with me, others have their own
experiences.
Josh Liccardi is an American author who grew up in the Berkshires located in Western Massachusetts. He was born in 1981 to a small family and grew up in a rural area 15 miles away from a small centralized city. With not much to do he spent his time creating scenarios for himself and other neighborhood kids near him in order to pass the time outside of school. At an early age Josh became interested in computers and started learning their ways from the inside out, which ended up turning into a career choice as he aged. School was never of much interest, but Josh did attend some college, before dropping out and focusing solely on his first IT job. The years went by and he bounced around between a few different companies, but still to this day is working in IT. When not engrossed in work he was able to find time to write various things, which did get put on hold after the birth of his daughter. Josh is able to focus more on writing now however and recently created 151 Productions with his dear friend and artist Shawn. Through this endeavor Shawn and Josh will continue to create and publish various works such as a comic book series as well as upcoming novels that are already in process. They are both very grateful to get their creations out into the world and hope to share their art for years to come.
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