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“Good morning, husband.”
I groan again, hating the way my stomach flips at the label. I can't be happy about this. It isn't real. I drop my face into his shoulder and mumble, “I am never drinking again,” against his skin. I shouldn't even be leaning on him like this. I've never been a fan of casual touches, so I don't know why pulling back and getting out of bed feels like a hardship, but I do it anyway.
“What? No! Where are you going, John?” he asks, sounding panicked.
Just another confirmation that he doesn't actually know me. I don't want to sit here cuddling. Even if I let Chad get away with touching me all weekend. He casually grabbed my hand when he was drunk to hold it, he leaned on my shoulder in the cab ride home last night, and I didn't stop him. Hell, he even booked us a couple's massage for some reason. But I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to cause a scene, and I was out of my normal element, so I thought maybe I could try to have a little fun. I needed to be there for Liam after all, I am his best man.
But who I was this weekend isn't who I really am. If Chad did know me, if he knew how boring and monotonous my life is, there's no way he would be so distraught about putting distance between us. He'd thank me.
Really, I'm doing us both a favor by shutting this down now. I know I could only disappoint him. There's no use in drawing this out, getting his hopes up for a happy future that could never exist between us. Chad deserves that future. It's obvious he wants to live out his happily ever after with someone. I want him to find that person too. He deserves a partner who can build something real with him. Not one who's stuck in the past, hung up on the idea of a life with someone who died nine years ago.
Last night, when I was drunk at the altar, Chad was encouraging me to have fun, teasing me the way that Luke used to. I was distracted by how attractive he is with his defined muscles, perfectly styled light brown hair, and big blue eyes shining at me like I was someone important, like I'm someone worthy of being at his side. I was weak and selfish, so I gave in to the fantasy he was spinning of us making each other happier. I was able to convince myself for a couple of hours that maybe things could be different for me, that I could have more. That my life could have things like joy and fun in it again.
But that isn't me, and it isn't fair for me to pretend to be someone I'm not when Chad is talking about forever.
I need to shut this down.
“I need coffee…” I start, quickly trailing off. Fuck why is this so hard? I take a deep breath and force myself to say what needs to happen. “And a lawyer. This can be annulled. Probably easily around here. I'll find someone at the front desk. There's always paperwork for this shit. We're probably not even the first people staying here to make this mistake this weekend.” I try to sound casual and confident. Even if I don't feel that way at all as I look at the devastation clearly written all over Chad's perfect features.
“But I don't want to pretend our wedding didn't happen,” he attempts to reassure me.
No matter how desperate he looks, I know I need to stay strong. He might be upset now, but I know I'm doing the right thing. One day, when he's married for real, to someone he loves, he'll thank me for this. Or more likely, he'll forget all about our drunk wedding. He'll be fine without me.
And I'll be fine without him.
I'm better off alone anyway.
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